What She'd Give
by Tiva4evaxxx
Summary: What she'd give to have him back." Tony is gone, but is he? Ziva's thoughts. Enjoy. Oh and Tiva of course :P


**Hi, another one shot, more if you guys want, but you have to let me know! Tiva. But very sad, again. I keep writing depressing fics, something must be wrong with me! :p**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing...**

What she'd give

What was the point? What was the point of life, with out Tony?

She remembered when Gibbs had told her… she remembered it so vividly, the feeling of anguish, pain.

"_Ziva," Gibbs looked at her, sadness, defeat in his eyes. _

"_No," she whispered, "No," she said again._

_He could barely look at her; the great Leroy Jethro Gibbs couldn't even look her in the eye._

"_Ziva, I'm so sorry."_

_She looked at him._

_The look in his eyes confirmed her worst nightmare, "No!" She screamed, tears already blinding her, "No," she screamed again, "Tony!"_

_She tried to run past Gibbs, but he blocked her. "No!" She screamed again._

_Gibbs wrapped his arms around her, and McGee looked on, tears running down her face. _

"_Ziva he's gone," he said quietly._

_She just screamed again, the pain, it just hurt so much; she'd completely lost any form of control._

_Abby had chosen that moment to walk in. "Is To-" then she heard and saw Ziva, Gibbs just shook his head._

_She froze, and started to cry._

_For once, too shocked to make any noise._

"_Come on Abbs," McGee said quietly and led her out, giving Ziva some privacy._

"_He's gone, Tony's gone." Gibbs said quietly to her._

_He let out a strangled yelp, and sobbed into Gibbs._

_He just stoked her hair. Damnit. He loved her like a daughter, and Tony, Tony had been like a son._

_And she had just cried, and cried and cried for her partner, for Tony, for what she'd lost._

She hadn't stopped crying since, not really.

Except she was crying inside. And it was draining her.

She was done with damn emotions; in the end you only felt one emotion – heartbreak.

She missed him every waking moment of the day. She missed his smile, his laugh, the way his eyes would occasionally sparkle when he looked in her direction.

She missed the movie nights that had been come regular, with the pizza dinners.

She missed having him solving cases.

It was like a void, a huge void in her heart that deep down she knew she would never be able to fill.

Like the mother shaped one.

The Tali shaped one.

The Jenny shaped one.

She didn't know who she was anymore. She hadn't in the first place. But then there was Tony, he'd helped her find herself, who she wanted to be, but now that she was gone, that was slowly slipping away again.

She'd just found herself. And now she was loosing herself again.

What was the point now? What was the point of getting out of bed in the morning?

Of doing anything?

She'd lost so much in her life, and this, well everyone has a limit and Ziva David had reached hers.

She couldn't cope with the heartbreak anymore, the pain was unbearable.

This is how it feels when someone you love dies.

And she'd loved him, and it took his fucking death for her to realize it. To understand.

She'd never told him. Never. She'd thought they had the rest of a lifetime.

It turns out that the rest of a lifetime wasn't as long as she thought.

It sure as hell hadn't been long enough for her.

So now, what she did when she came home, instead of having Tony knock on her door, half an hour after she got home from work, and spending the evening with laughter and smiles, and a movie and pizza, she would go home, sit on her couch. Curl up in a ball and cry. For him. For Tony.

She couldn't sleep most nights, occasionally she would cry herself to sleep, and if she did she would dream constantly. So many memories.

They had been through a lot together, all of them, the whole team.

But what really killed her, what hurt her the most, was the fact that it was all her fault.

Tony had taken a bullet for her.

She would have gladly taken it for him.

Anytime, any place she would've. If it meant she died and he came back, she would do it in a second.

She remembered the look on his face as the bullet hit, she remembered looking on in horror and shock.

She remembered holding his hand and telling him to hold on, to wait for the ambulance.

She remembered him smiling at her, and starting a sentence, that he never finished.

He'd said "Ziva, i…" and then he was unconscious.

What she'd give to know what he was going to say.

What she'd give to have him back.

**What do you think?**

**Please please review :)**

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